well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
