Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
