Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize