I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
