she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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