just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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