never play flip cup with pint glasses
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
