he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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