Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
