I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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