I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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