so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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