After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
