She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
