i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize