I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize