Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
