I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
