the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
