I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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