I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
