You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
