I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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