i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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