I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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