i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
