Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
