people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
