I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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