I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize