There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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