I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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