I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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