also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize