I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
