Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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