it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize