if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
