now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
