Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize