What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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