You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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