Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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