so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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