Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
