You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
