how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
