you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
