You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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