I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
