I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
