I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
