Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
