I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
