I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
