I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
