woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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