How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
