She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
