I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
