Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
where does the pee come out of this thing
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
