I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
