we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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