u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
