I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
