I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
