she peed on how many people?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
